A teenager child does not obey what to do. Rudeness and aggressive behavior of a teenager: what should parents do
We often receive questions from parents of teenagers about the nature of their children's behavior. It is often very difficult to understand schoolchildren during adolescence, so let's take a look at the most popular questions and try to understand what is behind the strange behavior of teenagers?
1. Why did the child stop talking to his parents and hide his problems?
This rebellion is in his nature. The family does not cease to play a huge role in the life of a child, the opinion of parents and other adults is important for a teenager, but at the same time he wants independence. Often a teenager does not know how to ask adults for advice, thinking that by doing so he will sink in the eyes of his parents and again rise to the stage of childhood. Do not interfere with the child, probing the boundaries of the possible. Show attention to the child, explain that you are not going to condemn, scold, blame him for anything, but do not pester him with questions, just show that he has his own inner untouchable space, but you are always there.
2. Why did the teenager's academic performance decrease?
Since the main activity of a teenager is communication, it depends on this. So, for example, when relations with peers worsen, a teenager's academic performance drops rapidly and, conversely, the better relations with peers, the higher the level of academic performance.
In addition, at the beginning of adolescence, the first sexual desires and interests appear and the previous, childish interests die off, this is also associated with a drop in academic performance and a decrease in overall performance. But thanks to this, the teenager forms a new system of interests, which includes an increased interest in the psychological experiences of other people, as well as himself. The child begins to think about his future and creates his own imaginary reality, a dream.
3. Why did the teenager get involved with “bad company”?
Adolescents attach great importance to distinguishing themselves as a separate, unique member of society. Attempts to stand out from the "gray mass" can lead the child to commit antisocial actions.
Adolescents seek to expand the boundaries of their own personal experience as soon as possible, they seek adventure, and often do not recognize their behavior as deviant from the norm. They consider this to be absolutely normal, as they are very passionate about themselves and do not yet know how to adequately assess situations and their own capabilities.
The reason for deviations in the behavior of adolescents can also be misunderstanding on the part of parents and peers, neglect, lack of communication within the family, connivance by relatives, and even a negative assessment of the child by the parents of his friends.
If it seems to a teenager that he is rejected by everyone, and the need for self-affirmation is not satisfied, then the child is looking for a company outside the school. Often such companies are called "street", they say about them that "the child got into a bad company." A teenager needs to prove to himself and others that he is an adult, and, like every adult, he has friends. In this company, the child can compensate for his personal failures at school.
4. Why did the teenager stop going out?
- a very difficult period for the child himself. From within, he is torn apart by a storm of emotions, with which he is not always able to cope. Some children withdraw into themselves, begin to get involved in reading, movies, spend a lot of time on the Internet and in social networks - this is normal. Not all teenagers spend all their time walking on the street. Some need peace in order to find their "I".
5. Why is a teenager dissatisfied with his appearance?
Teenagers are very passionate about their appearance and react very painfully to any discrepancy with their subjective norm of appearance, therefore they exaggerate and invent bodily defects. “I have ugly heels” is a normal phrase of an ordinary teenager. Be patient with such dissatisfaction, with attempts to change your appearance - all this is necessary for a teenager to realize his own uniqueness and begin to adequately evaluate himself.
6. Why does a teenager constantly think about the opposite sex?
A huge role in the life of a teenager is played by sexual interests.
A biological feature of adolescence is hormonal changes in the body. This is related to the gender identity of adolescents. It is at this age that the features of behavior regarding their gender role are fixed.
One of the reasons for the appearance of conflicts at this age is precisely puberty. The surge of sexual energy shakes the internal balance, and this causes an imbalance in the mental state of a teenager.
So, if your child has begun a transitional age, be patient and try to calmly perceive all the changes in the behavior and character of a teenager. Everything that will happen to him in the coming years has a physiological and psychological explanation, and your child is not to blame for the fact that a storm flares up inside him. Just be there, try to round the corners and not go into conflict, accept his desire to seem like an adult, and talk, talk as much as possible with the child, even if it seems to you that he does not listen to you. Believe me, he listens and listens, he just does not show it.
Ekaterina Safonova
What to do with those who cannot be forced, punished and unrealistically overstubborn? How and with what it is possible to influence an almost adult son or daughter in high school - says Ksenia Buksha.
There is such a wonderful person in St. Petersburg - Natasha Romanova. Her children are already adults, and she herself, a philologist and neurophysiologist, works with teenagers - she leads the Natasha Romanova Literacy School, where, according to her own, personally developed and scientifically based system, she teaches high school students error-free writing without applying rules. He teaches not like at school, but effectively, quickly, cheerfully and for a long time. So, Natasha Romanova speaks very harshly about those parents who call their teenagers “children”. They are no longer children. But, on the other hand, after all, they are not adults yet. How can they be influenced?
1. Force and forbid
In fact, we still have this tool. Only you will not have to use it voluntarily, which means that the price can be spoiled for life relationships. Therefore, we use it only when there is a complete disaster. Drugs, anorexia, talk of suicide, banditry, involvement in a sect - grab and pull from the edge. We are adults and we can still do anything with a teenager, even send him to a school at the monastery, like one of my acquaintances is a drug addict daughter. She sat there for six years and left at twenty, when all her friends and girlfriends had already died. I don’t want to judge or praise that dad, or even evaluate it in any way, and I certainly don’t want anyone to follow his example - I’m just trying to show the scale of the problems in which, in principle, it makes sense to act in this way. But smaller accidents like “dropped out of school”, “has sex before marriage” - are we ready to pay for this with a relationship with a child? “Laying around with the phone all day long” - and for this? More likely no than yes, but what if he's seriously depressed? Before wielding an iron fist, we must also understand where we are going to drag something.
2. Draw up a contract
In a written form. And hang it on the wall. For a parent, the contract is wonderful because it can make living together with an expansive (from the word expansion) young creature tolerable. Parents and children have rights and obligations. The parent has the right to sit on a clean toilet in the morning. The child has the right not to answer SMS, but he is obliged to answer calls. Or vice versa. Any thing thrown outside the room goes to the trash can. For dirty traces on the ceiling - independent whitewashing thereof. Anything, most importantly, items that are realistic for our family and their joint discussion. Most teenagers already know how to more or less control impulses, which means they will follow these points. The agreement is good because when sanctions come, there is no point in blaming a bad parent: everything is honest, candy wrappers and skins from the bathroom must be removed without a sound, and in my room they can rot for at least eternity. It is important that the contract is not an attempt to get the desired “course of his life” from the teenager, the contract is not a motivator. This is just a means to clearly separate the boundaries. Therefore, it should not include items like “computer time, which is no more than two hours a day” and other things that the parent does not personally relate to in any way. A treaty is a division of rights and duties, territory and resources.
3. Hand over independence
Like Yeltsin to the union republics: "as much as they can swallow." We tell him good night, and he turns on the light, ii... You wake her up in the morning, you wake her up for school, and sheaaa... That's it, the parent is tired! A teenager must understand that if he really feels strong enough to fight with a parent, then he is strong enough to finally win at least something. We raise our paws up: we were defeated. We can't put you to bed if you haven't gone to bed yourself, and we can't make you put on a hat if you don't think it's cold. And you can already pull a “decent gymnasium” only by yourself, and if you don’t pull it, then you will have to leave it. The upside is that we can think long and hard before letting go, and we can take back the rights if we see that things are heading towards some kind of complete collapse. I thought you could do it, but you went to bed at six in the morning all week and did not study at all - which means that I will have to put you to bed and wake you up for some more months. But we are not disappointed, but are constantly testing reality - maybe it’s already ready? Overslept on Tuesday and Wednesday, but on Thursday she got herself together on time - yeah! It turns out such scales: here while we are stronger, and here it is already, and here again we are still.
4. Discuss plans
From the age of 15-16, it is necessary to let the older teenager understand what level of support awaits him after 18 and where we will begin to insure his risks. This should be very clear: for example, "we will always pour you a bowl of soup and you can live with us, nothing more, but you can count on it." Or “you are responsible for your studies yourself, we will not excuse you from the army if you do not enter.” Or “you don’t have to worry about anything until the sixth year.” Or “we will get rid of the army, but we will force you to go to work and contribute to the family budget.” These are completely different programs of action for our baby. Man must somehow plan his future! And then you live on everything ready, like, but some kind of fuzziness, uncertainty: am I already an adult or someone else? And when I become an adult, then what? And when? And if I don't, who's to blame? If you clearly discuss all these things together, talk about specific plans for the future and ways to achieve them, a direct close motivation can be born. Only plans, of course, should be drawn up together. We do not “let the teenager know that after 18 he is swept out of our living space” and we do not try to “give him a good education.” Only together. Games to test? Pathologist? Or yet-no one-but-I-love-you-mommy? Thanks me too. Very.
5. Turn off
Well, this is all pathos and general words, but what to do every day? Here the young lady does not want to go to the store instead of the mother, whose younger baby is sick. What to do? For every day, our main tool is to turn off. There are such heaters: they heat the air to a specified temperature - once, they turn off, they stand like goodies and cool down. A parent of a teenager should also be able to do this. Don't know what to do? The child broke all the rules, violently resists, does not want anything or really wants the wrong thing, our strength is not enough to convince him? Let's ask ourselves if someone will die, God forbid, if we turn off right now. If the question is not fatal at the moment, feel free to switch to the “off” mode. This means that we continue to be present, but we cease to conflict. We drink tea peacefully in the kitchen. We only do what we want to do. If our child is really difficult and problematic, this is a good prevention of codependency. The main difficulty is to turn off all general and pathos thoughts like “what will grow out of it”. Now we are not interested in this, but to live quietly for an hour.
And one more thing: it is more useful for a teenager to see not a strict parent, but a person who knows that he is right, but refuses to fight. Which, as it were, silently says: "your move", "you yourself know what to do." And, importantly, it lets you do the wrong thing. My daughter didn’t go to the store that day, she didn’t feel very good about it, and next time, she might not even have to ask.
By turning off, we give ourselves a rest and let life work for us, instead of our educational squeals.
6. Turn on
Well, if we know how to turn off, then we also need to turn on correctly. Many of us know how to be sincerely interested in any interlocutor - well, such a secular skill. What's worse than a grown child? Every day, at every meeting with a teenager, we set ourselves up for friendly chatter, which includes our independent remarks, and listening to the interlocutor, and feedback. We choose a topic that is interesting to the interlocutor (not about school). We turn on, smile, nod, listen, mentally horrified, but we do not evaluate and do not bug. Such a conversation is always effective, even at the time of conflict! Relations almost immediately move to a different qualitative level, and many topics can be forgotten forever - they will be pre-empted and prevented at a distant approach. And then some with teenagers will not exchange five words a day, and even those “put down the phone, go learn your lessons”; What instruments of influence can we talk about in such conditions?
7. Surprise
By adolescence, our sons and daughters, as a rule, have known us for a long time (if we are not talking about recently taken adoptive ones). The objects "mother" and "father" are studied, their reactions are habitual and predictable. For example, “my ancestor doesn’t scold for grades, but if I scout srach in the car, he will have a brain all the way.” Well, let's surprise. Monday: Well done! If it wasn't for you, I'd be crazy about cleanliness!" - and let's go easy. Tuesday: Without a word, we hand over a rag and a garbage bag. Wednesday: "Oh no, I can't with such a dirty one, you're taking the subway, we'll meet at the house." Come up with four more different reactions before Sunday. The essence is not important, the range is important. An affectionate joke, biting irony, inspired rut, absurd absurdity, sometimes sarcasm, and sometimes a little tenderness, like with a baby. A teenager is, after all, a kind of baby-adult, a newborn full-fledged member of society. He is born into adulthood and in this capacity deserves (occasionally and in moderation) restrained uti-puss - only carefully. To surprise again and again, to be a different person, and not just a “parent” function, to show how interesting it is to really communicate, look for ways, approaches to each other, to be alive. Maybe there won’t be fewer stubs in the car, but is it really about them? But all the participants in the conversation will develop this one, like his, - oh, yes! - emotional intellect. Which can be considered, if there is, then this is already half the happiness.
The younger generation chooses automation, or rather they will order voice congratulations, than they themselves will come and give at least a minute of attention. The time is like this.
Why are teenagers sometimes so capricious, lazy, selfish, just terrible? Even smart enough teenagers can impulsively do horribly stupid things sometimes?
It turns out that, despite numerous books on the psychology of adolescents, no one has described the processes that occur in the brain during puberty, which lead to such strong and sometimes terrible changes. The teen brain has only recently become the subject of serious research, which shows how little we know about it.
But does knowledge about the processes in it make life easier? Probably not, but it will help us at least understand something.
Clothes are left in the bathroom, things get lost, dirty dishes are everywhere... Why is a teenager so sloppy?
To be neat requires a high level of cognitive development, while the teenager is not yet able to control himself well enough. Parts of the brain are connected to each other through synapses, which are insulated like electrical wires. The insulator is the substance myelin, which consists mainly of lipids. His education takes time. This process takes several years, starts at the back of the brain and slowly moves forward. Last but not least, it comes to the frontal and prefrontal areas, which are responsible for understanding, sympathy, and a sense of danger. This means that smart teenagers do stupid things on impulse. Therefore, I do not think that organization is among the priorities of the younger generation. They have other problems to worry about - they simply do not have enough time to clean.
Why are teenagers so aggressive with their parents?
It is not uncommon for teenagers to experience situations that make them upset or angry. They show risky behavior and impulsiveness because their frontal lobes are not fully developed, respectively, mood swings and bouts of anger may appear. Adults may respond to such behavior with mutual aggression. Of course, I do not call for condoning such behavior of the child, but I think that if parents understand what is happening with their child, they will be more tolerant and will not close this vicious circle, thereby pushing their child away. Try to get closer to him, even though it seems to you that he is moving away. Always count to 10 and think twice. This is a time when mental illness can develop and anger can be a front for depression or other anxiety disorders.
Why does a child often not talk to parents?
Puberty is the age of self-discovery, the search for new behavior, it is quite natural that they begin to break off relations. They are becoming independent, but we live in a very difficult time, never in history have teenagers had so many opportunities and so many potentially dangerous moments, and the world wide web has a huge impact. Therefore, parents should always remain vigilant and not lose contact with them. Today, for a frank conversation, teenagers choose non-eye contact, so that it is easier to talk about some personal things.
Why does a teenager refuse to go to bed in the evening, and it is impossible to wake him up in the morning?
There is a purely biologically based answer to this question. In many mammals, sleep periods change and change during adolescence. Their biological clock can be said to be programmed to wake up and fall asleep three to four hours later than adults. And this is a problem, because they do not get enough sleep if you wake them up at 8 in the morning. And chronic lack of sleep clearly does not help with learning. After all, sleep is very important for the development of memory and attention. And the reason for this lies in the development of the brain and the processes taking place in it.
Given the way the teen brain develops, can the age limit be lowered to 16?
Society on both sides of the Atlantic cannot agree on teenagers. One example of ambivalence is the United States, where 18-year-olds are sent to war, but they are only allowed to drink at 21. And it turns out that 16-year-olds are far from always able to establish causal relationships. In addition, they are impressionable and suggestible, so they are easily influenced by others.
Teenagers are generally not interested in school. Why?
What interests them the most? For many teenagers, playing video games or surfing social media is much more interesting than doing homework. This is a problem that we all face in the modern world, but sometimes a serious problem can be hidden behind the lack of motivation in studying. At this age, an individual approach to learning is so important. Teenagers have more synaptic connections in their brains than adults, making them more impressionable and more capable of learning. People know how to think, learn, remember, it is inherent in nature, but in youth it is very easy to miss the moment, and then everything can change significantly. This is a period of great opportunity, when you can change your destiny, and the attitude towards school is of no small importance in this.
Should I be worried if a teenager drinks?
The same amount of alcohol on a teenager has a much greater effect than on an adult. Where drinking in adults will only cause intoxication, in a teenager, brain cells can be damaged. The situation is similar with drugs. And at a young age, addiction occurs much faster. Regular weed smoking has a long-term effect, as it actually changes the brain chemistry. Studies have shown that those who used marijuana daily for a long time during their youth have a significantly lower IQ and noticeable speech defects.
Why can't teenagers leave their smartphones alone, even at the dinner table?
The brain of teenagers needs information, and not only useful information. And the opportunities for getting it in the modern world are much greater than ever. And since the frontal lobes are still underdeveloped, children simply cannot stop, distinguish between what is useful and what is superfluous, and say to themselves: “That's enough, it's time to do something else.” Studies have shown that, despite the fact that teenagers are much better adapted to multitasking than adults, they can still be distracted by smartphones and other gadgets, and therefore they must be turned off during training.
Why don't teenagers wear warm clothes in cold weather?
I don't think there is any particular biological reason for this. This may be due to their risky and impulsive behavior, they do not look far ahead. Among their priorities is not yet common sense, it will appear later. In addition, teenagers will do rash acts in order to gain the respect of their peers, and getting completely wet is not the worst thing.
Teenagers love to play video games. What effect do they have on his brain?
Video games are another source of irritation and stimulation of the brain, to which the latter reacts very violently. But because their brains are more exposed than adults, teenagers need to differentiate between video game events and reality. For if teenagers are too fond of online life to the detriment of communicating with real people, this is already a problem. Gambling and video games can become addictive over time.
How can you take care of your teen's mental health?
Parents need to stay in touch with their teenager at all times. Regular social problems may mean that you have an anxiety disorder or other psychological problems, such as starting depression. Often by the end of puberty, bipolar disorder or even schizophrenia can develop. This is why when children seem to be socially isolated, they start to gain weight or, conversely, lose weight quickly, parents should pay attention to this, as this may be the first sign of a problem that is starting. And what is most frustrating, if a child develops a mental illness at this age, his peers are unlikely to be able to notice it, unlike adults, because they do not yet have empathy skills.
The material was prepared by Lidia Svezhentseva - according to the material of the site
05.07.2006 10:26:17
Children grow up, problems grow. Until recently, it seemed that the main dilemma was how to properly dress a child on the street. Even yesterday, the main thing was to explain in an accessible way why it’s not good for Lenochka to pull the pigtails ... But today the child already teaches how to live, and often baffles with his behavior. How to be, how to come to an understanding, when you can’t figure it out like a child, but you haven’t had time to learn like an adult yet?
Our consultant Elena Lukyanenko, child psychologist
The art of learning to listen
or “I don’t want to hear anything!”
“My 14-year-old daughter is completely out of hand: she does not react at all when I ask her to do something. It makes it look like I'm not even around. But I know that she is not deaf: she hears the tape recorder and TV very well and communicates with her friends on the phone without any problems. And I’m already tired of repeating: “How many times do I have to tell you?!” - still no answer. "Get off!" - and that is not always deigns to say. Today, her standard reactions to my requests and questions are: “Take out the trash” - silence; "Did you complete your homework?" - leaves the room; "When will you clean your room?" - starts playing a computer game. I can not take it anymore!!! What to do?"
“She thinks I’m deaf or stupid! Repeats a hundred times what can be said once. Well, I don’t always do it, because you can’t remember everything. And she, no, in order to put forward her demands to me in order - she will immediately dump everything on her head, and figure it out as you like. Either to urgently walk with the dog (otherwise it will do its job), or to do homework, or to clean up the desk that has not been cleaned since yesterday (“I remind you for the hundredth time!”). I’m not some kind of miracle machine that remembers everything, builds it in the right order and performs it at the same time, I and my girlfriend want to chat, and watch the series!
Psychologist's comment
It seems that most teenagers these days show selective hearing. Sure, they hear music, friends, and even the most unintelligible lyrics, but when it comes to responding to their parents' requests, it's a different story. Have you tried yelling and threatening to get attention? No wonder: according to a sociological survey, the most common among the difficult moments of raising a teenager was the item "my child does not hear me." So, we must try to get through to him by other methods.
Step 1.
The easiest way to get a child's attention is to say less, not more. Oddly enough, in this case, you increase the likelihood of being understood and heard. The famous American educator Mary Budd Rowe discovered that children need more time to think about what they hear before they say something. So if you ask your daughter (son) a question or ask for something, wait at least three seconds - the child will take in more information and, quite possibly, give a normal answer.
Step 2
Be an attentive listener yourself. Your growing up child simply cannot become an attentive listener if he does not have someone to learn this from. Make sure that you yourself can serve as an example of what you require from your daughter (son). Show that you listen to your husband, friends, family and, of course, the child himself. Listen to your daughter (son) twice as much as you speak.
Step 3
Speak politely and…quietly. The fastest way to make a teenager not pay attention to you is if the voice clearly contains criticism, orders, lectures, condemnation, screaming and pleading. Just talk to him politely - as you would like to be spoken to. And instead of raising your voice, lower it - speak softer and quieter. Usually this is taken by surprise, and the daughter (son) will stop to listen. After all, it is not for nothing that teachers use this technique so successfully.
Step 4
Pay attention to yourself before you say something. First, make sure that your daughter (son) is looking at you (ask to look at you - this technique works even with husbands). When you look into each other's eyes - the child is at your disposal, you can formulate your request or question. Doing this all the time when you need your daughter's (son's) attention will teach her (him) to listen to you.
Step 5
Sometimes it is really difficult for teenagers (and not only) to switch on the go, especially if they are busy with what they really like. Moreover, the child may not really hear you. Then give warnings - set a time limit: "I need your help in two minutes" or "I want to talk to you in a minute, please take a break." (But you should not delay it for more than five minutes - you will forget again.)
Step 6
Try to be short, soft, and precise. At this age, the daughter (son) becomes more receptive if she knows that she will not have to listen to a whole lecture. Therefore, let your requests be short and to the point: “Please clean up the closet before you go for a walk”, “Now you need to learn physics”, etc. Extreme brevity often helps - sometimes one reminder word is enough: “ Cleaning!”, “Algebra!”.
From rudeness to respect
or “What do you understand?!”
“My Anton grew up as a kind and calm boy with good manners. Of course, my husband and I tried to instill them in him, because we were sure: if you teach him from childhood, then good manners and respectful attitude will become the norm for him in communicating with loved ones and in general with people around him. But now Anton has entered the so-called "difficult" age. He is 13 years old, he already, according to him, fully feels like an adult, but with this adulthood, completely new features appeared in him - he stopped obeying, he was rude all the time, arguing, no matter what I told him, no matter what I asked. I hear only casually thrown: “Yeah, now!”, “You don’t tell me!”, “What do you even understand?” etc. I don’t know why he suddenly became like this and what to do now ... "
“How can I explain to my ancestors that I am no longer a little boy, but I am finally becoming an adult?! I want them to talk to me accordingly, otherwise it’s even uncomfortable in front of friends when my mother calls me Antonchik, takes care of me like a little one. I've already grown up! I become a man. How else can I talk? And when I somehow famously answer them on an equal footing, such scandals with lamentations begin! So what do they understand? They can't even talk properly."
Psychologist's comment
Very often in adolescence, children, in connection with the need to feel like adults, show such features as rudeness, disrespect (rather, a slightly dismissive attitude). Yes, it happens that the reason is an elementary lack of education, but not always! It's just that during the period of formation, a teenager does not know how to show his adulthood, and finds the easiest way - rudeness, bold phrases that he could not afford before. And here it is very important for parents to behave correctly in order not just to yell and “press” with authority, but to correct the situation.
Step 7
First of all, speak to him on an equal footing, do not lisp and do not suppress - let him feel his importance, significance, so that he does not look for other ways to get this feeling. Consult with him more often in various family matters - it is possible that he will offer some fresh solution, and there is no need to be rude in such a situation, moreover, rudeness here will look childish.
Step 8
When your child is being rude, point it out to him right away so he always knows he's crossed a line. The main thing is that your comments should be directed to his behavior, and not to the very personality of the child. For example: “When I talk to you, you roll your eyes (grin). This is a sign of disrespect. You don’t have to do this anymore”, “Telling me to leave me alone when I’m talking to you is unacceptable. Try to make sure I don't repeat it again."
Step 9
Feel free to tell him the right way. Do not think that the child himself knows how to behave correctly. Just try to do this not in the form of moralizing, but during a friendly conversation, even better - by your own example. Pay attention to how you, adults, communicate with each other in the family. Maybe it's all about that? No wonder they say that no matter how much we teach our children good manners, they will still behave like their parents. Try a lesson in good manners during lunch: talk all together at ease on any topic you choose - politely.
Step 10
Never get into an argument. No need to defiantly sigh, shrug your shoulders, show that you are angry. How not to persuade, exhort, swear - such tactics never work, but only exacerbate such behavior. Studies show that teens stop being rude when they see that it's... not effective at getting your attention. So stay neutral, don't answer. For example, look distantly at something, and if it doesn't help, close yourself in another room. Just refuse to continue the conversation while the son (daughter) is rude, and do this ALWAYS.
Step 11
An important point: try to correct the child if he behaves incorrectly and rudely, in private, and not in the presence of other adults or teenagers. Otherwise, you may run into even greater rudeness - remember that your child is no longer small and painfully perceives any criticism addressed to him, especially in public!
Step 12
Rewarding respectful, correct behavior as often as possible is the easiest way to get what you want. But according to research, parents of teenagers in most cases do just the opposite: instead of paying attention to the good, they constantly point out the bad. And therefore, as soon as you see or hear that your “rude” is showing politeness or respect, be sure to praise him, appreciate his efforts, even if it didn’t quite work out, but you see that he tried. See how he likes it!
Children quarrel - do not judge, but reconcile,
or “She put plasticine on my disk!” - "And he stepped on my Barbie!"
“I am constantly in tension: my children, 12-year-old Romka and 6.5-year-old Alenka, constantly quarrel, despite the difference in age. Moreover, it is even more difficult for an older person to explain something than for a younger one. Roma says that I only do what I protect Alena, but I don’t give a damn about his opinion. But if I do not interfere at all, then these two will spend the whole day like this - screaming and bickering. If the husband is at home, I call for his help - he arranges analytical "showdowns" according to all the rules for a couple of hours, and then for some time there comes a truce. But it can't go on like this all the time!"
“In general, you should sit in a corner in silence - I am doing important homework, to which you have not grown up yet!” - "Who? I? Yes, I can speak when I want and where I want, because it is useful for the development of speech! “How dare you press Escape at such a moment!!! I love you now…” - “Mommy, daddy!! Roma is killing me! I didn't break or spill anything! “Ma-ama! He dunks the keyboard from tea with a new Barbine cape!!” - “Yes, some kind of dark flap, how did I know? Think, cloak!
Psychologist's comment
Quarrels between children - brothers and sisters - often become an almost insoluble problem in the family. And especially when the difference in the age of children is large enough. It would seem, the parents think, that the elder will grow up, will help the younger, pity and love him, but it was not so - the jealousy of a teenager is much more difficult to pacify. Sometimes all this is somehow solved by itself, but sometimes there are deadlocks - the conflict goes very far. Nothing surprising, no need to go crazy and lament how bad everything is. Better try to soften their quarrels, make them treat each other more peacefully.
Step 13
Don't take sides (you'll still be guilty). During their conflicts, give advice only when they are at an impasse. Taking sides creates resentment in children, and then accusations that your youngest is your favorite.
Step 14
Calm down everyone. Intervene when emotions are already heated enough, but the scandal has not yet begun. Move the "enemies" into rooms and leave them there until they calm down, saying: "Stay there until you can speak calmly." Since the younger one may well begin to whine and rage, he must be calmed separately: ask the child to jump five times, jerking his arms and legs, and then take three deep breaths - unusual, but very helpful.
Step 15
Sometimes all that is needed to resolve a quarrel is for someone to acknowledge the child’s offense. For example: “You are upset because you think that your sister is treated more fairly than you”, “You are upset because you can’t wait for your turn to play on the computer.”
Step 16
Let everyone - both older and younger - have their say. To help them feel that they are really being heard, ask each person in turn to explain what happened. And ask the other child to pay attention and listen to the one who is explaining. Have everyone start the explanation with "I", not "you", then tell the problem and suggest a solution. This will help children focus on the conflict without putting the other person down. You can not interrupt the child, but if you think that you did not understand, ask for an explanation: "Could you explain it to me again?" When the child has finished, briefly tell your version to show him that you understand.
Step 17
Make the children part of the solution. Ask both the youngest and the oldest what they would do to solve "their" problem. And do not dismiss it - they say, they will say such a thing! Involving children in the “resolving” of a quarrel often just makes you stop, think and calm down. Establish decision rules: do not interrupt, do not suppress, speak only in a calm voice. By speaking in turn, they will learn to listen to each other. And then you can try to give them, for example, five minutes to resolve the quarrel, and clearly note the time, for example, using an alarm clock or ... a microwave.
Step 18
Look at the problem from the other side. Often children are so caught up in the feeling that they are being treated unfairly that they don't even think about how others might feel. Therefore, often say: “Now look at the situation from the other side. How do you think your sister feels?
Lies? Yes, no life!, or
"Well, I lied..."
“My son lies to me all the time - for any reason, in situations where this could not have been done. About what he does homework, while in fact he is dueling with computer knights, that he will come home at nine, and comes home at ten, that it is Vovka's neighbor, and not he, scrawled obscene words in the corridor, etc. e. Even on trifles, just like that. For example, I ask: did you walk the dog? - answers “yes”, and she, poor thing, got dirty in the corridor in half an hour! Why is he doing this? Indeed, in many cases, a lie immediately pops up, and he understands this. And still lies! And how many things I still don’t know!”
“What is there to be angry about? I don’t kill anyone, I don’t rob, I don’t offend the younger ones. This is Vitek from the neighboring class doing dirty tricks: recently he wanted to annoy his enemy Vlad, so he stole something from one girl and threw it on Vlad. She threw Vladka into a scandal! And at the same time, Vitek was kind and fluffy, he told his mother at home how he calmed this Natasha and what a bastard Vlad was. Vitka's mother thinks that he is the best son, and he has already done so many tricks! That’s a lie, but with me, it’s like that ... Mother usually listens to me out of the corner of her ear (not like Vitkin), only conversations: “Did you do it?”, “Did you go there?”
Psychologist's comment
Unfortunately, all parents face the lies of their children at one time or another. Only now, in adolescence, lying, if, moreover, it took place earlier, becomes more familiar to the child, he lies more often. And it's not just a difficult age - there are more and more secrets from parents, and therefore reasons to lie. In addition, many teenagers resort to lying in communication with peers - to embellish their qualities, abilities and abilities. It is very bad when it becomes a habit, and the statement: “It will pass by itself” is clearly inappropriate here. You need to try gently, delicately, but decisively to wean your son (daughter) from lying.
Step 19
Assume honesty and demand truthfulness. Continually explain your attitude to honesty: "Everyone in our family should be honest with each other." But before that, consider what kind of example of honesty you are setting. Do you yourself use “innocent” lies? Asked your child to answer the phone that you are not at home when you are? Do you always return the extra money if you were given the wrong change? Did you buy tickets somewhere at the price for children (under 12 years old) when yours is already 13? Showing off at home if you managed to do something somewhere…? That's right, every time you do this, you allow your "grateful student" to do the same. Start with yourself.
Step 20
Analyze why he cheats and identify the reason. As a rule, a teenager begins to lie first of all in order to attract the attention of parents, adults, and friends. In second place is envy, despair, resentment or anger. And on the third - fear of punishment or fear of letting parents down. Moreover, a direct question on this topic does not work: they, as a rule, do not know for sure the real reasons for the constant lies. Analyze for yourself: when did the lies begin? what does he usually cheat on? Who is he lying to - everyone or just some? why?
Step 21
Ask questions that will help the child understand for himself what is wrong, and wait for an answer. For example: “What will happen if everyone in our family starts deceiving each other?”, “How would you feel if I deceived you?”, “If you don’t keep your word, how can I trust you?”, “If I will promise you something very important for you, and then I will say that I lied? etc.
Step 22
Don't overreact to exaggeration or distortion of the truth. This, of course, is easier said than done, but, it's worth repeating, teenagers often lie to get attention. If your child did just that, try to remain calm - from your screaming and lamentations, he will only want to run away to hell, but in no way become honest. And treat his interests more loyally - do not give a thrashing for every minor violation or disobedience, otherwise it will be easier for him to lie than to tell you the truth.
Step 23
Explain why lying is bad. Yes, yes, your big son (daughter) needs it too. Approach the issue directly and give strong arguments: lying can lead to trouble, and maybe to very big trouble; reputation also suffers, and very much; this offends, especially those closest to you, etc. For clarity, turn on your fantasy and come up with some episode that will lead to sharply negative consequences and that will affect your child specifically.
Step 24
Enter "penalty" for lying. Moreover, choose a method so that your son (daughter) does not start to be afraid of you (and again lie), but does not want to deceive. For example: let each time, having deceived, write in writing an apology to the “victim” - mother, father, brother, sister. Or a small essay outlining at least five arguments about the perniciousness of lying (and it will be useful for you to read in order to understand the child) - maybe it will be easier for him to tell the truth?
Authority is not a vice, but one must restrain oneself, or
“Either in my opinion, or not at all!”
“Our 11-year-old daughter has become very bossy. She commands all her friends and believes that everything should be just the way she wants. She herself decides which film she and her friends will go to the cinema, and achieves this as soon as she can, even if not everyone is in favor; she tells who it is better for someone to be friends with or not to be friends with - because SHE does not like it. At home, the younger brother does not have the right to take a treat before her, because she must choose the first one, also with a game on the computer or watching TV. At first I reassured myself that this is not bad, all the makings of a leader, but now it goes beyond. I see: if she does not stop, then because of this excessive self-confidence, she will lose all her friends. I'm trying to fight it, but I don't know how."
“Since I manage to achieve my goal, it means that it’s good, it means that my friends respect me. How would your brother like it? So that I give in to him, because he is small? It’s enough that his parents indulge him in everything, let him know that it happens differently. ”
Why doesn't he want anything?
Katerina Demina, a consultant psychologist, a specialist in child psychology, wrote an excellent article in which she answers this, perhaps now the most pressing question of parents.
There are, of course, a lot of letters - however, we believe that all parents of teenagers would be good to read and feel.
This phenomenon has gained momentum in the last seven years. A whole generation of young people has grown up who "want nothing." No money, no career, no personal life. They sit for days at computers, they are not interested in girls (perhaps just a little, so as not to strain).
They are not going to work at all. As a rule, they are satisfied with the life that already exists - the parental apartment, a little money for cigarettes, beer. Not more. What's wrong with them?
Sasha was brought in for a consultation by her mother. An excellent 15-year-old guy, the dream of any girl: athletic, tongue suspended, not rude, eyes alive, vocabulary not like Ellochka the cannibal, plays tennis and the guitar. Mom's main complaint, just a cry of a tortured soul: "Well, why doesn't he want anything?"
History details
What does "nothing" mean, I ask. Nothing at all? Or does he still want to eat, sleep, walk, play, watch a movie?
It turns out that Sasha does not want to do anything from the list of "normal" things for a teenager. I.e:
1. To study;
2. Work;
3. go to courses
4. meet girls;
5. Help mom with housework;
6. And even go on vacation with mom.
Mom is sad and desperate. A hefty man has grown up, and the use of him is like a goat's milk. Mom all her life for him, everything only for his good, denied herself everything, took on any job, took classes, took expensive classes, sent them to language camps abroad - and he first sleeps until dinner, then turns on the computer and until plays with toys at night. And she hoped that he would grow up, and she would feel better.
I keep asking. Who is the family made up of? Who makes money in it? What are the functions of whom?
It turns out that Sasha's mother has been alone for a long time, she divorced when he was five years old, "his father was just the same couch potato, maybe it's genetically transmitted?" She works, she works hard, because she has to support three people (herself, grandmother and Sasha), she comes home at night, deadly tired.
The house rests on the grandmother, she is engaged in housekeeping, and she watches over Sasha. Only here is the trouble - Sasha completely got out of hand, does not obey his grandmother, does not even snarl, he simply misses his ears.
He goes to school when he wants to, when he doesn't want to, he doesn't. He's threatened by the army, but doesn't seem to care one bit. He does not make the slightest effort to study even a little better, although all the teachers unanimously say that he has a golden head and abilities.
A school from the elite, state-owned, with a history. But in order to stay in it, you have to take tutors in the main subjects. And all the same, deuces in a quarter, they can be excluded.
She doesn’t do anything around the house, she doesn’t even wash a cup after herself, a grandmother with a stick is forced to carry heavy bags of groceries from the store, and then she carries food to his computer on a tray.
“Well, what is the matter with him? Mom is almost crying. “I gave my whole life to him.”
Boy
Next time I see Sasha alone. Indeed, a good boy, handsome, fashionably and expensively dressed, but not defiantly. Some are too good. He's kind of lifeless. A picture in a girls' magazine, a glamorous prince, if only there was a pimple somewhere, or something.
He is friendly, polite with me, with all his appearance he demonstrates openness and willingness to cooperate. Ugh, I feel like a character in an American teen TV series: the main character is at the reception of a psychoanalyst. I want to say something to mom. Okay, let's remember who the pros are here.
You won’t believe it, he practically reproduces his mother’s text word for word. A 15-year-old boy says like a school teacher: “I'm lazy. My laziness prevents me from achieving my goals. And I’m also very unassembled, I can stare at one point and sit like that for an hour.
And what do you want yourself?
He doesn't want anything special. The school is boring, the lessons are stupid, although the teachers are cool, the best.
No close friends, no girlfriend either. There are no plans.
That is, he is not going to make humanity happy in any of the 1539 ways known to civilization, he does not plan to become a megastar, he does not need wealth, career growth and achievements. He doesn't need anything at all. Thank you, we have everything.
Slowly, a picture begins to emerge, I won’t say that it is very unexpected for me.
From about the age of three, Sasha has been studying. First preparation for school, swimming and English.
Now, in addition to studying at the Mathematical Lyceum, he attends English courses at MGIMO, two sports sections and a tutor. He doesn’t walk in the yard, he doesn’t watch TV - there is no time. The computer that my mother complains about so much is played only during the holidays, and even then not every day.
Why doesn't he want anything?
Formally, all these activities were voluntarily chosen by Sasha. But when I ask what he would like to do if he didn't have to study, he says "play the guitar." (Options heard from other respondents: play football, play on the computer, do nothing, just walk). Play. Let's remember this answer and move on.
What's up with him
You know, I have three such clients a week. Almost every appeal about a boy aged 13 to 19 is about this: he doesn’t want anything.
In each such case, I see the same picture: an active, energetic, ambitious mother, an absent father, at home or a grandmother, or nannies-housekeepers. More often than not, my grandmother.
The family system is distorted: the mother takes the role of a man in the house. She is the breadwinner, she makes all the decisions, she is in contact with the outside world, she protects, if necessary. But she is not at home, she is in the fields and on the hunt.
The fire in the hearth is supported by the grandmother, only she does not have the levers of power in relation to their “common” child, he may not obey, and be rude. If it were mom and dad, dad would come home from work in the evening, mom would complain to him about the inappropriate behavior of his son, dad would kick him - and all the love. And here you can complain, but there is no one to beat.
Mom tries to give her son everything, everything: the most fashionable entertainment, the most necessary educational tools, any gifts and purchases. The son is not happy. And again and again this refrain sounds: "does not want anything."
And after a while, the question just starts to itch inside me: “And when does he want something? If for a long time my mother wanted everything for him, she dreamed, planned and did it.
That's when a five-year-old kid sits at home alone, rolls a typewriter on the carpet, plays, growls, buzzes, builds bridges and fortresses - at this moment desires begin to emerge and mature in him, at first vague and unconscious, gradually forming into something concrete: I want a big fire station car with people. Then he waits for mom or dad from work, expresses his desire and receives an answer. Usually: "Be patient until the New Year (birthday, payday)."
And you have to wait, endure, dream about this car before going to bed, look forward to the happiness of owning, imagine it (still a car) in all details. Thus, the child learns to contact his inner world in terms of desires.
And what about Sasha (and all the other Sashas I deal with)? I wanted to - I wrote a text message to my mother, I sent it - my mother ordered it via the Internet - they brought it in the evening.
Or vice versa: why do you need this car, your lessons have not been done, you have read two pages of a speech therapy primer? Once - and cut off the beginning of the tale. Everything. Dreaming is no longer possible.
These boys really have everything: the latest smartphones, the latest jeans, trips to the sea four times a year. But they don’t have the opportunity to just kick the bulldozer. Meanwhile, boredom is the most creative state of the soul, without it it is impossible to invent an occupation for oneself.
The child must be bored and bored, so that there is a need to move and act. And he is deprived of even the most elementary right to decide whether to go to the Maldives or not. Mom has already decided everything for him.
What parents say
At first, I listen to my parents for quite a long time. Their claims, disappointments, resentments, guesses. It always starts with complaints like “we are everything to him, and he, in response, is nothing.”
The enumeration of what exactly is “everything for him” is impressive. I am learning about some things for the first time. For example, it never occurred to me that a 15-year-old boy could be taken to school by the hand. And until now I thought that the limit is the third class. Well, the fourth one is for girls.
But it turns out that the anxieties and fears of mothers are pushing them to strange acts. What if the bad boys attacked him? And they will teach him bad things (smoking, swearing with bad words, lying to parents; the word “drugs” is most often not pronounced, because it is very scary).
Often there is such an argument as "You understand what time we live in." To be honest, I don't really understand. It seems to me that the times are always about the same, well, except for the very difficult ones, for example, when the war is going on right in your city.
In my time, it was deadly dangerous for a girl of 11 years old to walk alone through a wasteland. So we didn't go. We knew we shouldn't go there, and we followed the rules. And there were sexual maniacs, and sometimes they robbed in the entrances.
What was missing was a free press. Therefore, people learned the criminal report from acquaintances of acquaintances, according to the principle "one grandmother said." And as it passed through many mouths, the information became less intimidating and more blurry. Like an alien abduction. Everyone heard that it happens, but no one saw it.
When it is shown on TV, with details, close-up, it becomes the reality that is here, next to you, in your house. You see it with your own eyes - but admit it, most of us have never seen a victim of a robbery ourselves in our lives?
The human psyche is not adapted to the daily observation of death, especially violent death. This causes severe injury, and modern man does not know how to defend himself from it. Therefore, on the one hand, we seem to be more cynical, and on the other hand, we do not let our children go outside. Because it's dangerous.
Most often, such helpless and lethargic children grow up with those parents who have been independent from early childhood. Too mature, too responsible, left to their own devices too early.
From the first grade, they came home on their own, the key is on a ribbon around their necks, the lessons are on their own, to warm up food on their own, at best, the parents will ask in the evening: “What about your lessons?”. For the whole summer, either to the camp, or to my grandmother in the village, where there was also no one to supervise.
And then these children grew up, and perestroika happened. A complete change of everything: way of life, values, guidelines. There is something to be nervous about. But the generation adapted, survived, even became successful. The repressed and painstakingly unnoticed anxiety remained. And now everything in full fell on the head of a single child.
And the accusations against the child are serious. Parents completely refuse to recognize their contribution to his (child) development, they only complain bitterly: "Here I am at his age ...".
“At his age, I already knew for sure what I wanted from life, and in the 10th grade he was only interested in toys. I have been doing my homework since the third grade, and in the eighth grade he cannot sit down at the table until you let me down by the hand. My parents didn’t even know what our math program was, and now I have to solve every example with it.”
All this is pronounced with a tragic intonation "Where is this world heading?". As if children should repeat the life path of their parents.
At this point, I begin to ask what kind of behavior they would like from their child.
It turns out a rather funny list, sort of like a portrait of an ideal man:
1. To do everything himself;
2. To obey unquestioningly;
3. Showed initiative;
4. He was engaged in those circles that will be useful later in life;
5. He was sensitive and caring and was not selfish;
6. He was more assertive and punchy.
At the last paragraph, I'm already sad. But the mother who makes the list is also sad: she noticed a contradiction. "I want the impossible?" she asks sadly.
Yes, unfortunately. Or singing or dancing. Either you have an obedient botanist who agrees to everything, or an energetic, enterprising, punchy C student. Either he sympathizes and supports you, or silently nods and walks past you towards his goal.
The idea came from somewhere that by doing the right thing with a child, you can somehow magically protect him from all future troubles. As I said, the benefits of numerous developmental activities are very relative.
The child misses a really important stage in development: games and relationships with peers. Boys do not learn to invent a game for themselves, an occupation, they do not discover new territories (after all, it is dangerous there), they do not fight, they do not know how to gather a team around themselves.
Girls do not know anything about the "women's circle", although they are a little better with creativity: nevertheless, girls are more often sent to various handicraft circles, and it is more difficult to "score" the need for social communication in girls.
In addition to child psychology, out of old memory, I also study the Russian language and literature with schoolchildren. So, in the pursuit of foreign languages, parents completely missed their native Russian language.
The vocabulary of modern teenagers, like Ellochka the Cannibal, is within a hundred. But it proudly declares: the child is learning three foreign languages, including Chinese, and all with native speakers.
And children understand proverbs literally (“You can’t even catch a fish from a pond without difficulty” - what is it about? - “It’s about fishing”), they cannot do derivational analysis, they try to explain complex experiences on their fingers. Because the language is perceived in communication and from books. And not during lessons and sports.
What the kids say
“No one listens to me. I want to go home from school with friends, not with a nanny (chauffeur, escort). I don't have time to watch TV, I don't have time to play on my computer.
I have never been to the cinema with my friends, only with my parents and their acquaintances. I am not allowed to visit the guys, and no one is allowed to visit me. Mom checks my briefcase, pockets, phone. If I'm late at school even for five minutes, my mother immediately calls.
This is not a first grade text. This is 9th grade students talking.
Look, complaints can be divided into two categories: violation of boundaries (“checks the briefcase, does not allow me to wear what I want”) and, relatively speaking, personal abuse (“nothing is allowed”). It seems that parents did not notice that their children have already grown out of diapers.
It is possible, although harmful, to check the pockets of a first-grader - if only in order not to wash these pants with chewing gum. But by the age of 14 it would be nice to enter the room with a knock. Not with a formal knock - he knocked and entered, not waiting for an answer, but respecting his right to privacy.
Criticism of the hairstyle, a reminder “Go wash up, otherwise you smell bad”, the requirement to wear a warm jacket - all this signals to the teenager: “You are still small, you do not have the right to vote, we will decide everything for you.” Although we just wanted to protect him from a cold. And it really smells bad.
I can’t believe that there are still such parents who have not heard: for a teenager, the most important part of life is communication with peers. But this means that the child is out of parental control, parents cease to be the ultimate truth.
The creative energy of the child is blocked in this way. After all, if he is forbidden to want what he really needs, he refuses to desire in general. Think how scary it is not to want anything. What for? All the same, they won’t allow it, they will ban it, they will explain that it is harmful and dangerous, “go do your homework better.”
Our world is far from ideal, it is indeed unsafe, there is evil and chaos in it. But somehow we live in it. We allow ourselves to love (although this is a gamble with an unpredictable plot), we change jobs and housing, we experience crises inside and out. Why don't you let your children live?
I have a suspicion that in those families where such problems arise with children, parents do not feel safe. Their life is too stressful, the level of stress exceeds the adaptive capacity of the body. And so I want at least the baby to live in peace and harmony.
And the baby does not want rest. She needs storms, accomplishments and feats. Otherwise, the child lies down on the sofa, refuses everything and ceases to please the eye.
What to do
As always: discuss, make a plan, stick to it. To begin with, remember what your child asked for before, and then stopped. I am quite sure that an hour of daily "totally useless" walk with friends is a necessary condition for the mental health of a teenager.
You will be surprised, but the meaningless “fun in the box” (watching music and entertainment channels) is necessary for our children too. They enter a kind of trance, a meditative state during which they learn something about themselves. Not about artists, stars and show business. About myself.
The same can be said about computer games, social networks, telephone conversations. It's terribly annoying, but you have to survive. It is possible and necessary to limit, to introduce some kind of framework and rules, but to totally prohibit the inner life of a child is criminal and short-sighted.
If he doesn’t learn this lesson now, he will cover it later: a midlife crisis, moral burnout at 35, unwillingness to take responsibility for the family, etc.
Because he didn't play. I wandered aimlessly through the streets. I didn’t watch all the stupid comedies in time, didn’t neigh at Beavis and Butt-head.
I know one boy who drove his parents to white heat by lying in his room for hours and banging a tennis ball against the wall. Quietly, not much. It wasn't the knock that annoyed them, but the fact that he didn't do anything. Now he is 30, he is quite a competent man, married, working, active. He needed to be in his shell at the age of 15.
On the other hand, as a rule, these children are catastrophically underloaded with life. All they do is study. They don’t go to the grocery store for the whole family, they don’t wash the floor, they don’t fix electrical appliances.
Therefore, I would give them more freedom inside and restrict outside. That is, you yourself decide what you will wear and what you will do besides studying, but at the same time - here is a list of household chores, get started.
By the way, the boys are excellent cooks. And they know how to iron. And they carry weights.
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