How to stay calm in a conflict situation. advice for those who do not want to lose their temper
Self-control, how often have you had to lose it, and then regret it? Particularly susceptible to this are impressionable and unbalanced natures, from whom you hear every now and then: “I lost my temper” or “Flew off the coils.” But how to learn to cope with a stressful situation without much shake-ups for the nervous system?
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Self-control and education
Loss of control over your emotions is the response of the endocrine system and the brain to stress, which provokes complex chemical processes in the body. Simply put, it's all about hormones. But why are some able to control their behavior during a quarrel, while others end in conflicts with scolding, breaking dishes, or even worse, slaps and fists?
Self-control is the ability to think soberly during the peak of emotional stress, and this ability is purely individual. In many ways, it depends on behavioral stereotypes - social and cultural attitudes that were instilled from an early age. And what is a sign of bad taste for the first is the norm for the second. That is why we observe completely different reactions in similar situations.
The ability to maintain self-control is also influenced by other equally significant factors: the characteristics of the psyche and nervous system, the strength of the stimulus (how serious the stressful situation is), and the physical condition. If you are hungry, overtired, have a headache or a toothache, something is wrong at home or something has happened… it is only natural that it will be very difficult to restrain yourself.
Pros and cons of developed self-control
A person who knows how to control his emotions will not subsequently be ashamed of his unbalanced behavior. And this is a big plus. However, how much does he win in the end?
The connection between negative emotions and overall health has long been proven. Carefully hidden spiritual passions, gradually accumulating, lead to the exhaustion of the nervous system. Unexpressed aggression will sooner or later make itself felt, taking the form of increased irritability or some kind of disease.
In developed self-control, the principle operates: everything is good in moderation. Therefore, there is no need to always keep yourself in tight rein, you need to give vent to emotions from time to time. Hypercontrol is also dangerous in that it forces a person to constantly raise the bar of exactingness towards himself and others, and splash out the accumulated negativity on the weaker ones. Psychologists also claim that ignorance leads to muscle pain and spasms in the neck, shoulders and back. And sometimes the inability to relieve stress is the development of alcoholism.
Loss of control
In certain cases, when a person completely loses his temper, there is a special psychological reaction. The peak of emotional stress is accompanied by a rapid heart rate, dizziness, darkening of the eyes, a feeling that the head is about to explode, after which a feeling of weakness sets in. If you fall into this state on a regular basis, it means that your nervous system is not ready for the stress that you put on it, and it fails. As a rule, in such cases, professional help from a psychotherapist is necessary.
How to keep your composure and "let off steam"
To be able to control negative emotions, you need to be able to spend them. The nervous system "resets" tension during sleep, outdoor activities, sex or sports. For some, adrenaline rushes from watching horror movies, bungee jumping, or rollercoaster rides help to unwind. In order not to fall into a state of constant stress, you need to find an effective way to splash out the accumulated negativity.
Try not to accumulate situations in which you have to suppress your anger by convincing yourself that everything is fine and nothing happened. It is necessary to develop a physiological response to stress, "letting off steam" not by shouting, but by means of a civilized form of expression of aggression. Try to beat your opponent in a sports or intellectual game, or respond to his attacks with caustic phrases, but in a calm tone. If you feel that there is too much negative energy, direct it to achieve peaceful goals: in the heat of rage, solve those issues that you normally lack courage for.
In the case when there is no opportunity to adequately respond to the offender, a fitness club, swimming pool, jogging in the park, or spa will help get rid of emotional stress. In extreme cases, an ordinary pillow is also suitable, which you can beat at home to your heart's content.
However, all these actions will only help to gain self-control for a short time. They are unable to rid the body of the effects of stress. In addition, a lot of strength is often spent on controlling one's own emotions, which is sometimes not enough. All popular methods to help maintain self-control are only auxiliary means. A specialist should put the shattered nervous system in order.
…do not confuse with affect
People tend to confuse the concepts of loss of self-control with a state of affect. Affect is an absolute loss of control, a quick defensive reaction, accompanied by strong feelings. Falling into a state of passion, a person is capable of actions that are completely uncharacteristic of him: to pull a 100-kilogram neighbor out of a burning house, to defeat an opponent who is much superior physically ... After which prostration sets in, and the survivor completely or partially forgets about the events that happened to him at that moment .
Several ways to regain composure
What to do when you feel how emotions quickly overwhelm you and are about to spill out? How to regain control over yourself in a short time and not do stupid things? For this, psychologists have come up with simple tricks:
- Visualization. Try to suppress unpleasant emotions with pleasant memories or fantasies. Imagine that you are on the azure shore of the ocean and the breeze brings salty drops of sea water to you. Even sexual fantasies can come into play.
- An imaginary image. Turn on your imagination and imagine your offender (boss or dissatisfied client) in the form of a funny comic book hero in a Superman costume, attach Cheburashka ears to him, dress him in yellow socks and shorts in a flower or a tutu.
- Relaxation. Even if you are in a lot of tension, still try to completely relax the whole body, especially the muscles of the face, neck and shoulders. Imagine that at the same time you are swinging in a hammock or just flying. Concentrate on your feelings.
How to Stay Calm: 12 Tips for Staying Calm in a Stressful Situation Below are twelve tips on how to keep your cool and stay calm in a variety of everyday situations. 1. Try not to dramatize It is very easy to dramatize and make an elephant out of a fly. When a problem affects you, resist the urge to exaggerate the negative. Avoid the words "always" and "when". You may feel like Stuart Smalley, but telling yourself “I can handle it,” “It’s okay,” and “I’m stronger than this” can really help you look at the problem in a different way. 2. Think Before You Share a Problem Don't talk, blog, or tweet about your problem. Don't discuss it with your friends right away; digest it yourself first, this will give you time to calm down a bit. Sometimes, well-meaning friends are too sympathetic to you. By doing this, they only add fuel to the fire, and you are even more upset. 3. Discover metaphors and visualization as a way to stay calm Here's what helps me: I try to frame the problem as a knot. The more I panic and pull on the ends, the tighter the knot tightens. But when I concentrate fully, I calm down and can loosen one thread at a time. It also helps if you visualize yourself acting with restraint and focus. Stop screaming and move as slowly as possible. Speak slowly and quietly. Become that calm and unflappable person that you see in your imagination. Here's another technique: Do you know any person who can be called unflappable? Think about what this person would do in your place. 4. Identify factors that drive you crazy Are there any specific situations that cause you to lose control? Identify specific factors, from the time of day, to how busy (or bored) you are, to your blood sugar levels. Do you lose your temper when it's too noisy - or too quiet? Knowing your personal irritants will help you stay calm throughout the day. 5. Realize that you can control your emotions Recall times when you were able to successfully remain calm in a difficult situation. Perhaps it was when you wanted to yell at your spouse or children, but then the doorbell rang, and you were able to instantly reorganize. Remember that you can repeat this knowing what irritates you and what can help you maintain peace of mind. 6. Create a calm environment with relaxing rituals If calm music comforts you, use it. If silence calms you, use it. Maybe you put on soothing instrumental music, dim the lights, and light scented candles. When you get home from work, take a few minutes to calm your mind before diving into family chores. Sit in the car for a couple of minutes and take a few deep breaths. Kick off your shoes and drink a few sips of water. Such rituals are extremely calming during the transition from one activity to another. 7. Take care of your immediate needs Make sure you get enough sleep and get enough protein, fiber, vitamins and minerals. Most often, I get irritated when my blood sugar is low. However, it is enough to eat something nutritious, and I feel (relatively) lighter. Also try to exercise. Daily exercise helps relieve physical tension, and this in turn helps you control your feelings. If I feel the need, then instead of a half-hour run, I do kickboxing. It helps. Avoid excessive consumption of sugar and caffeine, and do not dehydrate the body. Drink a large glass of water and see if you feel better, more calm and alert. 8. Pay attention to the soul and spirit Depending on your religious passions, engage in meditation or prayer. Practice yoga - or just sit quietly for a while. The ability to find peace of mind will serve you well more than once. Take a meditation class and learn techniques to help control your busy mind. 9. Get distracted Instead of thinking about the same thing, do something interesting, exciting or creative. Try to laugh (or laugh at yourself). Watch a comedy or read a blog that always makes you laugh. When you are animated, it is much easier to remain calm. 10. Take a day off If I'm crazy about not taking a day off, I know for sure - I need it. If I can get over myself and spend a whole day away from work, I always return there calmer, more confident and filled with fresh ideas. 11. Don't Forget to Breathe When my children were very young, we helped them calm down by teaching them to breathe with their belly. It still works, both for them and for me. Diaphragm breathing helps relieve tension immediately, and it gives you a couple of minutes to calm down. This is often enough time to assess the situation and regain a sense of control. During proper belly breathing, your belly will literally rise and fall. To practice, put your hand on your stomach. Inhale through your nose and see if your hand goes up as you inhale. Hold your breath for a few counts and exhale slowly. 12. Consider quotes that can help calm your mind Here are a few quotes that I find inspiring: “You are heaven. Everything else is just the weather." Pema Chodron "A calm, focused mind, not aimed at hurting others, is stronger than any physical force in the universe." Wayne Dyer. “It is useless to rush life. If I'm living on the run, then I'm living wrong. My habit of haste will not lead to anything good. The art of living is to learn how to make time for everything. If I sacrifice my life for haste, it will become impossible. Ultimately, procrastination means taking the time to think. It means taking time to think. Slowly you will be in time everywhere " Carlos Petrini (Carlos Petrini) - the founder of the movement "slow food". “The single most important reason to stay calm is that calm parents hear more. Restrained, receptive parents are those whose children keep talking.” Mary Pipher “Keep calm, serenity, always control yourself. Then you will understand how easy it is to be in harmony with yourself.” Paramahansa Yogananda
Learning how to be calm in any situation of the ocean of life is simply necessary. Problems are raining down on the heads of the inhabitants of the planet Earth, as if from a cornucopia. Ecology, politics, social upheavals, the economy, the psychological state of society as a whole and of each individual individually - nowhere is there even a hint of at least a stabilization of the situation.
Not everyone will be able to fence themselves off from everyone with a high fence, go to a desert island - there simply won’t be enough islands and fences, but everyone can try to become a self-confident and balanced person.
Do I need it?
Owners of certain types of temperament initially have this skill. It was born with them, and helps to maintain equanimity in any situation throughout the life path. We are talking about phlegmatic people who do not know how to be nervous, these unsinkable cruisers of calm and confidence. But, firstly, there are not so many pure types of temperament in nature, and, secondly, having mastered the techniques of how to learn to remain calm, you can teach this to your relatives and loved ones.Those representatives of society should master the methods of adjusting their internal state:
- who find it difficult to control emotions;
- who avoids difficult questions and difficult situations;
- who gets on the nerves of every little thing;
- who are worried about upcoming difficulties, real or imagined;
- who dreams of always being a discreet person.
Why You Shouldn't Be Nervous
Maybe, well, this training on having calmness? Everyone is nervous, and somehow survive, and some also manage to look great at the same time, build a career, defend dissertations, create families. However, not everything is so rosy, there are many reasons why you should not be nervous.- You will be nervous - you will lose control over the situation, and then take you with "bare hands" whoever wants.
- If you are nervous, family relationships will suffer in all verticals (husband-wife, children-parents, etc.).
- If you get nervous, you will get something like a boomerang effect from others, your emotion will return to you, only twice as much. Do you need this?
- You will be nervous - you will get vasospasm, and everything that follows from here (migraine, atherosclerosis, stroke).
- You will be nervous - the body will begin increased production of the hormone cortisol, which destroys brain cells and nitrogenous decomposition of muscles.
Learning to be calm
Before you start mastering the techniques that allow you to experience and then, at will, return this blissful state, it is advisable to find a picture that will personify this calmness for you and place it in the area of \u200b\u200bthe immediate environment.It can be wallpaper on your computer desktop, a wall calendar, a poster on the wall depicting a peaceful landscape, a sleeping child, sunsets and sunrises, a starry sky, in general, everything that will be a symbol of peace for you.
The following four techniques were suggested by the French psychologist E. Pigani in order to artificially evoke and reinforce a sense of calm.
"Jar of honey" - a technique for slowing down movements
You need to choose some routine action that you do every day “on the machine”, quickly and without hesitation. It can be cleaning the closet, washing dishes, taking a shower, making tea, any other kind of simple activity. Breathing slowly and deeply, you need to slow down your movements as much as possible.
Now attention is directed to each movement, to the feeling of contact with the object being used. For more believability, you can imagine yourself immersed in a huge jar of honey, and slow down your movements even more.
The purpose of this exercise is to stop being nervous, to recover quickly in stressful situations, to feel your presence “here and now” with all the acuteness.
"Jar of rice" - patience training technique
To do this, you need to count the grains of rice, shifting them from one glass to another. Have you counted? Write down how much you got, and then do everything in reverse order. The results, of course, should match. If you want to grumble, remember that in a Buddhist monastery you would be forced to number each grain of rice.
"Kettle with food" - a mindful meal reception
Attitudes towards food in the days of fast food and convenience foods, frozen desserts and ready-made meals from the supermarket have undergone significant changes compared to the beginning of the last century. However, the human body, both then and now, is able to send a satiety signal to the brain only 20-30 minutes after the onset of the action of digestive juices.
Start your first meal by eating slowly, chewing slowly, and slowly breaking off pieces of the food served. You need to sit with a straight back and with a straight neck, bring cutlery to your mouth slowly, eat calmly. Satiety signals will reach the brain on time, less food will be required, a slim figure is provided along with the ability not to be irritated while eating.
"Empty pot" - listening to silence
Every week you need to set aside five (only five!) minutes in order to listen to silence. Turn off all phones, TVs, computers, dim the lights. You need to sit comfortably, without tension, put your hands on your hips. The left hand lies on the right, the thumb of the right hand - on the left palm, does not press on it, but simply lies.
With your eyes closed, you need to focus on the sensations at the point where the finger touches the palm. In this position, listen to silence for five minutes. Two months later, meetings with silence are already taking place daily. During them, you can think about good and evil. The feeling of how to keep calm will consolidate over time, it can be easily called up in order not to be nervous, to be balanced in any conflict situation.
Controlling negative emotions
Zen Buddhists believe that every negative emotion is a message to be read and released. They compare negative emotions with fire and water, they say, it is easier to cope with a fire that has just started and a leaky faucet when you immediately take up the problem. As always, easier said than done, however, and here is the technology to help put everything on the shelves.- Make a list of the 14 most commonly experienced negative emotions (anxiety, shame, hatred, longing, envy, rancor, etc.).
- Separate these emotions from your inner self. For example, not “I am jealous”, but “I feel jealous”, not “I am guilty”, but “I feel guilty”, further along the lines.
- Remember the strongest attack of anger, its cause, your feelings at the same time, physical sensations. Well, where is he now, this anger?
- We return to the list from the first paragraph. Now we need to determine what service each emotion served. "Anxiety helps you stay alert." "Embarrassment helps you adapt around strangers."
- In the future, feeling the growth of negativity, try to determine how this emotion can be useful. Most likely, now, having realized this, you will no longer become her hostage.
For every stress there is ... anti-stress
If you want to assess the level of stress in your life, you can use the "social compliance scale" of American psychologists T. Holmes and R. Rahe, who evaluated every event in the life of an average person on a 100-point scale. In the first place there is the death of a spouse (100 points), and in the last place are the New Year holidays (12 points) and a minor violation of the law (11 points).By the sum of points, the level of stress and (attention!) the risk of getting sick are calculated. We don’t need such problems - in order to help ourselves and not get annoyed, we will perform the Antistress exercises.
We pretend
Exercise is effective for any level of stress. It is necessary to feign calmness, while a feeling of relaxation arises, and after a few minutes there comes a real calm. Here you need to be a little actor, to convince yourself that you are playing the role of a calm person. The secret here is that our subconscious mind always takes everything at face value - believing you, it influenced the external state.
We smile and yawn
Every textbook on psychology gives an example of how, with a smile, 42 facial muscles send a signal to the nervous system, starting the process of regulating breathing, relieving muscle clamps, and releasing “happiness hormones”. It works even with a forced, forced smile, and instantly. The same effect is produced by wide yawning, which does not give annoyance and brings relaxation.
Understanding the world around
The best remedy for growing stress is to keep in touch with your own Self. To achieve this, you need to observe what is happening as if from the outside, act somewhat detached. You can not lose attention and control over the situation, call yourself all your actions. When you leave the house, say to yourself, "I'm leaving the house." As you wash the dishes, say to yourself, "I'm washing the dishes." When you turn on the computer, say to yourself: "I turn on the computer."
Think it's too primitive? But “everything ingenious is simple”, you just need to try and make sure of the effectiveness of simple tips that will help you always be confident in your calmness and not get annoyed over trifles.
In stressful situations, a person can not restrain himself and do a bunch of unnecessary things. You need to learn to control your emotions, always understand what you are doing and whether it is right.
Many psychologists recommend work on your self-esteem and not dramatize what is happening. You need to convince yourself that you are a very strong and strong person who cannot be broken. Also, do not wind yourself up in stressful situations - this will only complicate everything.
How to keep calm and composure?
1. Something positive. In any situation that is unpleasant for you, look for something positive. This will help you get distracted and understand that you have not made any blunders.
2 . Don't let doubt into your life. Instead of constantly scolding yourself, escalating the situation, tell yourself a couple of kind words. Search various sources for iconic phrases that have helped many great people cope with crises. In fact, there are a great many such expressions and aphorisms, everyone can find the most suitable for themselves. Remember, for sure, you have already had to be in difficult situations when you were just as desperately looking into the future. You did it then, so today, you can do it now. Remember exactly what helped you to survive, to go through past hardships, learn from your past experience.
3. Breath. When you feel intense fear, you will need to take a few deep breaths. This will help relieve excitement, tension and tune in to a normal rhythm.
4. Do yoga, meditation and exercise. These are the best ways to relieve stress and be calm all day long. It will be enough to devote 20-30 minutes a day to maintain composure in any situation.
5. Favorite hero. Surely you have a favorite hero who brilliantly coped with his difficulties, and you always turn to him for help. If there is no hero, then find him. Let him be your advisor. See how he copes with difficulties, what helps him, what leads him. Remember what phrases he says that make your body goosebumps (this, by the way, is a sure sign that these words will help you the most right now). It will be even better if this adviser is from your inner circle. Then a real person will give even more strength, since he is not from the cinema, but sits here and shares his experience.
6. The right words. In nervous situations, it is recommended to use such words: “I am strong”, “I can handle it”, “Nothing terrible happened”, “I am much stronger than this”, etc. Such verbal formulations can help you overcome fear and also give you strong confidence.
7. Aspiration. Your desire to solve difficult situations will help you. Treat anything difficult as just another math problem to be solved. You have a sheet of paper and a pen in your hands, and what you write or which path you choose depends only on you. The most interesting thing is that you can always try several ways until you find exactly what you need.
Panic attacks
In many cases, a strong fear is felt, caused by some particular place or situation. It could well be an elevator, an airport, a school. Anything. Basically, in the representatives of the weaker sex, the peak of panic attacks lasts 10-20 minutes. But there are times when they last up to an hour or more.
You may feel as if you are about to die. But you try to remember how many times this has already happened. It may seem to you that you will now stop breathing, but of course this will not happen, although shortness of breath can be observed. All of these warning signs are false. Feeling out of control is also a false alarm. In short, when you know your symptoms well, the easier it will be for you to overcome these attacks.
How to stay calm - video
OH YEAH! What an interesting question How to become calmer? This is the topic of this article. Far from many people ask such a question, but this does not mean at all that they are kind and calm creatures. It's just that they have not yet realized that they have become irritated, nervous, aggressive and break down on everyone, just give them a reason. As a result of all this, relationships with loved ones, with colleagues, friends and even with oneself deteriorate.
Well, who is pleased to communicate with a psycho who yells like a little? Of course no one. Yes, you yourself always stay away from such people as far as possible. And if you are a nervous type, then most likely you have noticed how you are NOT LOVED. They try to bypass you, and you are always alone. Although, perhaps, there are people next to you who do not pay attention to this (appreciate them).
I'm sure a lot of people would say: “But how can I not be annoyed if my life is like this: only fools surround me, there is always no money, the neighbors got it, and I got it myself? You'll be nervous here.". I agree. The life of many people is very difficult (relatively). You get out of bed early in the morning and run to work or school without having time to eat. Then you sit in a crowded and hot public transport, then all hands on deck at work. After busy hours of work, you are again stuck in a traffic jam in public transport. You come home late at night squeezed like a lemon, and the next day the same thing.
The joy of life disappears, and dissatisfaction appears, which causes irritation, and also, which is the main cause of nervous breakdowns. Here comes the question: "How to become calmer?", and even with such a life? In fact, you can become calmer right now. This is done very simply. You only need to do what I will give you below.
How to become calmer?
So what do you think when a person is calm? Nooo, he never lies in a coffin, but when he sleeps. But that's not the point. To, you need to intentionally perform special exercises. They are suitable for and in order to become calmer here and now. Therefore, if you really realize that you need to become a calmer person, then do the exercises below every day without gaps.
Look, a person gets annoyed when someone or something gets him, that is, brings him to emotions. Perhaps, with my water, I myself cause aggression in you. Be patient, I just want to explain something important to you so that you do what I will give you below. You must know why you are doing this and what results it will lead to. So, when you are in a nervous state, your emotions are in full swing, your brain works VERY ACTIVELY! With such activity, you will not even be able to focus on something specific.
Therefore, in order to become calmer First of all, you need to INTENTIONALLY reduce the activity of your brain. I have said many times that our brain operates at several frequencies: alpha, beta, theta, and delta. Now your brain is working at the beta level. It is at this frequency that you experience joy and anger and unhappiness. In short, the beta level is wakefulness. With your eyes open, your brain is always running at beta frequencies.
And in order for you to become calmer, you need to reduce the frequency of the brain from beta frequencies to alpha. Alpha is half asleep. When you wake up, your brain works exactly at this frequency, but not for long, since open eyes hold the beta frequency. Going to the alpha level is very easy.
And the first exercise is meditation. You need to every day, being alone or alone in the room, take a comfortable relaxed position (on an armchair), close your eyes and concentrate on inhaling and exhaling. In 30 seconds you will enter the alpha level. At this level, you are calm and serene. Your task is to engage in this practice at least 5-10 minutes a day, and preferably 3 times a day. This practice is sure to make you a calm person. Don't neglect her.
The second option is more complicated. You need find opportunities for a good rest. And it is desirable that this rest be active and bring you joy. I have already listed the causes of irritability above. To become a calm person and, you just need to recuperate. One of the good ways to relax is to get out of the country, visit the beach, play active games, do yoga. By the way, here is the video.
The third option is doing things you love. Favorite things make us happy and calm (if these are not computer games). And complete concentration on something makes you forget about everything in the world. For example, when you embroider. Aren't you completely focused on the job? Of course, concentrated! And at this time you think about your problems? No, there is no time to think about them. You don't even control your own. It happens that you have it completely disabled, and you are not even aware of it. And when you draw, assemble a constructor, read a book - the same thing happens. Therefore, find time to do pleasant things. Pleasant - soothing.
The fourth option will seem strange to you - speak softly. Your voice also affects your emotional state. When you yell, you are not calm, but when you speak softly, you become calm automatically. A quiet voice can even calm a person yelling at you. Therefore, every time you notice that your nerves are on edge, speak softly and slowly. Four minutes after such communication, you will definitely calm down.
I gave you four tips, but I advise you to pay more attention to the first tip -. It is she who is the main tool that will help you become a balanced person. Why am I so sure of this? Because I meditate myself. Meditation is a rest, and a complete one. And if you have started meditating, then meditate every day, and preferably several times a day. There is no point in skipping sessions, as you will return from where you started.
I hope I have fully answered the question - How to become calmer? This is not at all difficult to do. Write your feedback in the comments.
How to become calmer
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